Not good

It's been a while hasn't it? Well, what to say. Things were looking up recently. I sent off my application for teaching courses, got my reference from my former screenwriting lecturer (albeit 2 weeks after it was requested due to the fact that I asked for it whilst the University was closed down for the holidays). I've had some great nights out, the highlights being drinks with an old university friend who'd been abroad for years, and a great party in Islington.

I even had a good experience at a recruitment agency today. Bizarrely they seemed like nice, friendly people. Even more bizarrely they were actually quite impressed with me. They actually felt that they might have a job for me, albeit one that's not all that well paying. Still, it's £1.5K better than my last best paid job.

But all of that means noting, because I heard today that I didn't get in to my first choice of university, Reading. This means that I probably suck extremely badly and I suspect that I won;'t get in to the others either. I'm not sure it actually matters because Reading was the only uni to guarantee places in halls for PGCE students. It was also the only one I had any special desire to go to. So, basically I'm fucked once again.

Once more, I have proof that I'm destined for... well... nothing.

God, did I ever really see myself as a teacher? I'm not sure. I was beginning to waver over the last few days. Perhaps it was just nerves. Perhaps I thought that maybe I didn't have what it takes to be a teacher? Regardless, I definitely wanted to do the course. Mostly I definitely wanted to go to Reading. Was it because my application was bad? perhaps it was my degree result? Perhaps my old lecturer gave me a bad reference. Maybe it was because I didn't do a degree in English? I can see that doing a degree in history was the worst mistake I ever made. It's clearly going to cause me trouble for the rest of my life. But what the hell can I do about it now? I'm fucked. I'm really, really fucked.

Everyone else I know is doing so much better than me, and the way things are going, they always will. Am I ever going to get anywhere? Do I have a hope in hell when nobody seems willing to give me a chance.

God, how bad would I have felt if I'd had a shitty day at the recruitment consultants too? I expect I'd have been suicidal. At the very least I'm sure I'd have been contemplating a vigorous bout of self harm.

I should have known. Nothing ever goes well for me for long. It all goes shit in the end. Now I just have to wait for the rest of the rejections to come in.

What the fuck am I going to do now?

All I can do I guess. Watch TV. That's what I'm doing now and probably for the rest of my pathetic life.

Maybe I'll write some more tomorrow. I was always going to write something this week. I just expected to be way more upbeat.