Jumping to the worst case scenario

Okay, massive overreaction. She's just texted to say she'll call me from work tomorrow (so that the call's free). I really, really need to pull myself together. I can't let this stuff affect me so much. I need to be more positive and stop jumping to conclusions based on the flimsiest of premises.

But enough blog posting, there's work to be done.

Maybe I should just outline everything that's wrong with me. We'll start with the basics.

No job (The work I'm doing at the moment really doesn't count).

No place of my own. That means I have to live at home. With my Mum. Who has now just had a go at me for making her miserable because I'm upset.

I have more, (the depression, the geekiness, the (admittedly less over the last couple of weeks) fatness, the fact that I'm actually pretty dull and unexciting...

But, screw it. Girls are way too much trouble anyway. I always end up feeling awful afterwards and I just get the impression that the pleasure isn't worth the interminable pain.

I think what I'm saying is that if you've been missing the downbeat comedy that is my miserable excuse for a life, then you're in luck; normal service has resumed.

And so it begins...

OK, well I guess this was inevitable. I was really just waiting for this to happen, but I'm pretty sure that the girl I saw last week isn't all that interested in me. I guess it's obvious why. I don't have a job, I live at home; the list goes on a and on. What am I basing this all on. Well I emailed her today and didn't get a response. In of itself that's no bad thing, she doesn't have much time to access teh internet at work. Anyway, I thought I'd text her to see how things were going and to see if she was free this week. Her first text didn't even mention meeting up. Her second (sent within a few minutes of the first, said she couldn't see me this week.

Maybe I was too eager, maybe not enough. Maybe I'm just an arse, I really don't know. Anyway, she says she's busy for much of this week and really needs to save her money. She's basically put me off for another week or two. That's it really isn't it. She's probably seeing someone else who's much cooler, more handsome and with a better situation than me. I loose.

I have a lot of work to do this week (some more writing work came through for me today), plus I'm meeting up with a friend to discuss another project, so I do have plenty of things with which to fill my week, so from a logistical side, it doesn't really matter too much. It's just that I think

I was just getting over my anxiety over the whole thing and heading towards being relaxed about it. What a dumb mistake.

I can't even say I'll pay because she mentioned that she wanted to have a quiet week. In other words, she covered all her bases. She doesn't want to see me.

I wish my happiness weren't so intrinsically linked to something so tenuous as whether a girl will go out with me or not. She also use the phrase, "Don't take it personally..." before telling me se couldn't see me this week. It really isn't happening is it.

Anyway, I texted her back. Said I understood. Asked if it would be okay to call her one evening. We'll see how that goes. I'm guessing the answer will probably be no.

It's just after one o'clock, and I'm a little nervous. It's actually kind of unusual that I'm even up right now, but I had to take my car to be MOT'ed and serviced (I'm hoping it's not going to cost too much; my bank reserves are running a little low) at 8am, and since I actually, quite unusually, managed to get to sleep before 1.30am the previous night, I didn't really feel a need to go back to bed.

Anyway, I'm nervous. Yesterday, at around 12pm, I sent an email to this girl to make arrangements to meet tomorrow. As of this moment, I'm yet to receive a response. Of course, that could be for a number of reasons not the least of which could be the continual email failures I've been experiencing from Friday onwards. Typical, I try to make arrangements via email, something I rarely ever do, and it chooses to break down on me. So, she may have replied, but I just haven't received it. She may also not have actually picked up her email yet (apparently she can only grab her emails at lunch time, and there's limited access to the computers).

Of course, as I write this, I've just received an answer to my text (I sent one this morning, just in case my email didn't get to her at all). I'm meeting up with her after all. Panic over. Crisis averted.

I really must have more faith in myself.

Actually, I thought I'd most likely get a response between 1 and 2. If she hadn't seen the email yesterday, she could check for it at lunch time today (which I felt pretty sure she'd do before replying).

Now I have butterflies in my stomach. It has, after all, been quite some while since I've on a popper date.

And now she called. Wow, it really is all go here today.

I really do like her, so I hope things work out. That's all I'm going to say about it for now.

New policy

I think I'm going to stop writing about people I know. If I don't, I'll just end up saying hurtful things, they'll see it and, quite rightly, want nothing to do with me.

If anyone has read my blog and been offended by anything I've written, then I'm truly sorry. If there's anything that you want me to take down I'll remove it.

I haven't been feeling great today, so I apologise for the down tone of the day's posts.

Mood Swing

Some good news.

Back in August I went for a copywriting job. I didn't get the job (though I made it to the final three), but mention was made that another position might come up later. I thought I'd email them to to find out if that was now the case. As it turned out, it wasn't, but I was asked if I would like to do a bit of freelance writing for them. Of course I replied yes. Now I just have to wait and see what happens.

I woke up this morning feeling really depressed. Right now I'm feeling way more positive.

I feel so much better right now. About everything. I realised that I was overreacting before, but knowing that and being able to control it are two very different things.

In Shadows

I think I may have to stop writing for a while. I think I could be upsetting people. I've been downright nasty with some of these posts. I'm showing up the horrible side of my nature and giving people all the reason they need to stop talking to me. Perhaps that's what I think I deserve anyway.

It's been an odd week. Many of my fears about pursuing the things I want have come true. A few posts ago I wrote about how I didn't want to really look for any kind of female companionship until I was really capable. However, an opportunity presented itself and I seized it. Now, given how angst ridden and pained I feel, I wonder whether I shouldn't have just walked away. It's proving to be more difficult than I'd hoped. It's not impossible; it's not even really hard. In fact some wouldn't even see an obstacle at all. I just can't seem to stop myself from wanting to cease my journey down a path that might lead to a little bit of happiness.

This thing, this depression, rules my life, whispers terrible things in my ear about how worthless I am. It tells me that the worst is inevitable and that the only way to avoid all the pain is to just give up. I don't want to let it win, but my ultimate defeat seems inevitable.

One day, through my vitriol and hateful words, I will push away everybody that matters to me. Then I'll be alone and I can finally have the freedom to surrender.

I don't want any of that of course; not deep down anyway. The part of me that exists without shadow looks only for a bright future. Sadly the clouds are gathering and, at least for now, everything remains in shade.

An Apology

I think I was a bit hasty. Never let it be said that I can’t have my mind changed. You may remember that I made some, rather harsh comments about a friend’s girlfriend. Well, I take quite a lot of it back. I went out for drinks last night, and she was there. She was actually pretty nice. Quite funny even. I still think that she’s a little too controlling, but I guess that’s my friend’s problem, not mine. If he’s happy with her, who am I to argue.

I guess every time I meet somebody I evaluate them anew. I suppose that must be a good thing. I make judgements, but I don't think that I'm not judgemental. A first impression counts for something, I just won’t hold you to it. I think that makes sense.

That was a short post, so I’ll do another in a bit.

Happy New Year

Well, for the first time in ages, New Years Eve wasn’t a massive let down. That said, I spent much of New Years Day in a virtual coma. My head was pounding and there was a sickly taste of stale alcohol in my mouth that wouldn’t go away, even after some vigorous tooth brushing. By the time I got back from Wimbledon it was about 4.30am. I’m pretty sure that I more of less just went straight to bed, though I think I may have made myself a Cheese toastie first. It’s all very hazy. I didn’t really drink an awful lot, but I completely failed to eat dinner before I left. A packet of crisps and a Wispa bar (alongside the sausage rolls provided by my gracious hosts) was clearly not enough to cushion my stomach for the alcoholic blow that was to follow.

After a few drinks (I do wish I’d brought a bottle myself. I felt a little bad about just drinking everybody else’s beer) we headed off to a pub, where we remained until some time after 12pm. After that, we headed back to the house, drank a little more, and played some Wii. I was absolutely hopeless at Mario Kart. Right now I’m going to blame it on the drunkenness. I wouldn’t have been so bad otherwise, surely?

I was woken up at around 3pm. Frankly, with all the sleep I’ve not been getting of late, the extra rest was pretty essential. That said, I still felt pretty tired for much of the day, and a splitting headache forced me back to my bed just a few hours later. When I did eventually get up again, it was only because I had to answer a phone call a little before 9pm. Language had actually deserted me by this point, so I was unable to engage in the usual witty repartee. All I wanted to do was lie down and go back to sleep.

So, finally 2008 is over. I feel extremely relieved. Of course, the change is really only notional. There’s no real difference between 31st December 08 and 1st January 09, in much the same way as there’s no difference between 30th December and 31st December. However, I did feel that 2008 was somewhat tainted and moving on to 2009 will allow me put everything behind me and start anew.

So, my objectives for the year are...

1, Get a great job. When people ask what I do, I want to be able to proudly tell them without any need for a disclaimer.

2, Move out. Being at home is one of the reasons why I’m so depressed. I’m an independent person and I just feel too restricted at home. The problem is, it’s a bit of a catch 22 situation. I feel like I won’t really be able to completely sort myself out until I’ve moved out. Unfortunately, I doubt I’ll be able to move out until I’ve sorted myself out. I’ll probably just have to, at first, get any old job, move out, and then work on getting to where I want to be. Anyway, once I’m out of home I think I’ll be able to start living the sort of life I really want to live. I started feeling so much better after having two weeks alone in my house, and I’ve just hated going backwards since then.

3, Get a girlfriend. I said in a previous post that I really didn’t want a girlfriend at the moment. Well, I know that at some point, when a few more years have passed, I’m going to lament my loneliness. I know that wanting to be alone is a symptom of my depression. When I can finally get past that I know I’ll think differently about the whole thing.

Again, moving out will probably help with all this. I suspect my self confidence will gain something of a boost once I’m not being constantly deflated by my Mum’s scathing comments and that will, no doubt, make me more capable of attracting somebody decent.

4, Write something worthwhile. Whether it’s a film, a novel, or maybe just an article, I need to write something proper that I can be proud of. I should really get something started pretty soon. I doubt that I’ll be able to get a job until at least a couple of weeks into the year, so I’ll need to use the time I have left in a constructive way. Last month I wrote more posts than at any other time since I started my blog. Writing the blog was intended as a way of getting me into the habit of writing regularly so that I could finally produce something good. I think it’s really about time I took the next step.

5, Sell all my unwanted things on eBay. I really need to get rid of a bunch of things that I just don’t need. For a start, it’ll make things a lot easier when I finally move out. It’ll also provide me with some more money, which I can then use to buy more crap that I don’t need. I’ve actually hesitated selling my stuff on eBay because I fear that the whole thing will be a complete waste of time and I’ll end up getting such a small amount of money that it won’t be worth the hassle. I need to at least try to shift it, no matter how distasteful I find the selling process.

I’m sure I’ll think of some more things as the year progresses, but for now, that’s pretty much all I want out of the next twelve months.
Was there anything good about 2008?

Oddly enough, in 2008 I managed to buy pretty much everything I wanted. From a new surround system to a netbook, I bought everything that my heat desired. The only major things I’d like to buy now are a Wii and a Freeview hard disc recorder, and I have little use for either until I leave home. The Wii because it's more fun with other people, and the Freeview recorder because I currently live in a digital TV blackspot and I can only pick up a bunch of BBC channels.Of course that just goes to show that the accumulation of possessions just doesn’t make me happy. Perhaps I should be grateful that it doesn’t. At least it shows that I’m not that shallow.

Last year I went away more frequently than in any other year. Dublin and the Norfolk broads were great, but Warsaw was awful and my time there set up my major depressive run. That said, I did learn from the experience, and I guess I found out a lot about myself. That it finally led to me seeking help for my depression can only be a good thing. That said, I’d rather not have been forced to endure the torment.

I’ve also had some good times with friends, but everything was marred by the cloud of depression that’s been hanging over me for the last twelve months. Things, I’m sure, will be better next year. I’ll make sure that they are.

Finally, I just wanted to thank everybody with whom I saw in the New Year. I had a great evening and I really appreciate being included. It’s nice to get 2009 off to such a good start. With any luck (not to mention a concerted effort from me) the rest of the year will be just as good.

I'd also like to wish a Happy New Year to everybody who reads my blog. Thanks for sticking with me. Hopefully I'll be able to keep you entertained througout 2009.