In Shadows

I think I may have to stop writing for a while. I think I could be upsetting people. I've been downright nasty with some of these posts. I'm showing up the horrible side of my nature and giving people all the reason they need to stop talking to me. Perhaps that's what I think I deserve anyway.

It's been an odd week. Many of my fears about pursuing the things I want have come true. A few posts ago I wrote about how I didn't want to really look for any kind of female companionship until I was really capable. However, an opportunity presented itself and I seized it. Now, given how angst ridden and pained I feel, I wonder whether I shouldn't have just walked away. It's proving to be more difficult than I'd hoped. It's not impossible; it's not even really hard. In fact some wouldn't even see an obstacle at all. I just can't seem to stop myself from wanting to cease my journey down a path that might lead to a little bit of happiness.

This thing, this depression, rules my life, whispers terrible things in my ear about how worthless I am. It tells me that the worst is inevitable and that the only way to avoid all the pain is to just give up. I don't want to let it win, but my ultimate defeat seems inevitable.

One day, through my vitriol and hateful words, I will push away everybody that matters to me. Then I'll be alone and I can finally have the freedom to surrender.

I don't want any of that of course; not deep down anyway. The part of me that exists without shadow looks only for a bright future. Sadly the clouds are gathering and, at least for now, everything remains in shade.