I have a bad feeling about this.

I’m starting to get that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. The year seems to have started off so well, but I just get the impression it’s about to take a turn for the worse. I was on the train on the way out to a date with this girl I’ve been seeing. All day I hadn’t received a single email. As it turns out I must have had some sort of problem with hotmail because as soon as checked my email on my phone, a message came through from the woman who’s been giving me all this writing work. She had asked if I was free to do any work that day. I emailed straight back and said that I’d had a problem with my email but I’d be happy to get it done over the weekend. She emailed me back, and said she’d send the work over. It’s Tuesday now and I still haven’t received anything.

Not only that, my agency got in contact with me on Wednesday last week and told me about what sounded like a fantastic job. Of course I asked if they were sure I had the requisite experience. Yeah, you should be fine. Well, I wasn’t . They didn’t bother telling me what was going on, I had to ask. Now, believe it or not, the reason I didn’t quite cut it was (drum roll please), I didn’t have enough experience. You’d have thought they’d check these sort of things instead of blindly offering me what was obviously a job that, whilst not beyond my capabilities, was something that I would never be able to get. Better to have no hope at all than false hope.

Anyway, it’s all put me in such a morose mood. I feel like, work-wise, things are never going to work out. I’m perfectly capable of doing everything that I want to do. Quite why so few people have faith in my abilities I don’t know. The greatest tragedy is that of those few people, none are in a position to elevate me to the station that I deserve. And, conceited though it may sound, I do feel like I deserve it.

Anyway, I’ve been ok for most of the day, but then this feeling washed over me as I put the rubbish out to be recycled (I don’t think that symbolic or anything, but it sounds like it should be). I suddenly felt like everything was going to shit. Yesterday I was getting hugely paranoid about not having received a reply over the weekend to a text I sent this girl I’m seeing. So, on Monday evening, I texted her again. This time, she replied (I’m guessing that, because I sent it really late, she didn’t get it until later and then forgot about replying). Then I sent her an email about going out on either Wednesday, Friday or Saturday. I figured out a bunch of things that we could do too. Of course, as yet, I’ve heard nothing. Again, she’s probably busy and just hasn’t had the time to reply, but I can’t help but think that she doesn’t really want to see me again. It’s stupid, maybe, but if I just concentrate on some of the negative things I may have possibly imagined she’d said and ignore all the positive stuff, it’s definitely easy to come to that conclusion.

God, being mentally ill really screws you up sometimes.

Then again, one of the days I’d suggested was tomorrow, so maybe I should have heard from her by now. Aaarrrh. For Christ’s sake, why the hell can’t I just calm down. If I just had something else to do, like this damn writing work that I’m still waiting for, it wouldn’t matter so much to me. Well, it would matter to me, but I certainly wouldn’t be fixating on it if I had something else with which to occupy my mind. Unfortunately, none of the menial tasks I could be doing around the house really do that.

Anyway, on the plus side, I’ve started to do some exercise again. I feel like I’ve been getting really fat and unfit of late. Even climbing up the escalators at underground stations was getting to be a bit of a chore, so it was clearly way past time to get started. Besides, if I’m wrong, and things aren’t over with the girl I’m seeing, nakedness will, at some point, ensue, and I’d definitely like to wobble a little less when (or if) that happens.

In the meantime, I can only hope that I get the work through and that I actually hear from the girl again.