No Surprises

So, the lesson here is, trust your instincts. I was completely right about the girl. Today I got an email (yes, an email) telling me that she didn’t want to see me “romantically” anymore.

I’ll reprint the relevant section below. Bear in mind this all followed a breezy how are you, oh I did this and that at the weekend – style bit. Go on, have a read; I’ll be here when you’ve finished.

“I'm really sorry but I have to tell you that I'm not sure about progressing anything romantically and I think I've more or less made up my mind about that. They say you should tell people face to face so I'm sorry if you consider this email inappropriate.

Anyhow, I hope it's not a big deal to you and for what it's worth I have definitely really enjoyed your company. Maybe if you felt like it we could be buddies and catch up again in a few weeks or something once I get back from Turkey. Just see how it goes.”

Actually, having read that, I’ve just noticed that she’s completely un-definite (not a word, but I’m in no mood to care) about the whole thing. “...I’m not sure...” and “...I think I’ve more or less made up my mind...” If you truly weren’t sure then you wouldn’t have sent the email. You’re damn sure, so why say otherwise. What a load of bullshit. Also, did you notice the complete lack of emotion in the letter? It’s phrased more like a job rejection letter than a real Dear John. Shit, she clearly spent little time bothering with it, because she obviously just dashed it off in her lunch hour (it came at 1.30pm on the dot). Unbelievable.

Right, now that it’s all over I’m going to share all my reservations about this girl with you.

Firstly, she was from New Zealand. She was always going to go back there, so any relationship I had was always going to have a sell by date.

At one point she mentioned horoscopes. Frankly this is unacceptable.

She had no idea about popular culture whatsoever. I’d mention TV, Films and a whole load of other stuff and she didn’t have a clue. Basically I had to completely bypass most of the things I would usually say because she had no clue as to what I was going on about.

Another issue, she was too young. I’m 31, she was 25. Six years is a bit too much of an age gap if you ask me. At least it certainly seemed to be in this case.

I always maintained that I would probably only go out with people who went to university. I later expanded (or clarified) that by saying that education and intelligence were important to me. I think I just need to see somebody who’s on my level intellectually (not a high level, admittedly, but it’s frustrating to have to talk to someone who doesn’t understand what you’re saying. If I wanted that I could just talk to my Mum). This is what happens when I ignore that policy. I said once that, one of the things I liked about her was that she asked me what some of the words I used meant. Well, I’d have really liked it if she’d already have bloody known. I sound like a snob don't I, but I really can't help needing to be stimulated by any conversation I might have. Otherwise I'm getting nothing. If I'm not growing, if I'm not progressing, I'm just regressing and I'm really not fond of travelling backwards.

I guess I know myself well enough by now to be fully clued up about what I want in a relationship and the sort of person with whom I’d want to have that relationship. Quite why I chose to go out with someone who ticked pretty much none of the boxes is beyond me.

She likes drum and base. That’s her favourite music. For fuck’s sake. Who the hell even likes drum and base anymore? Is she from the 90’s?

Also, whenever anybody says they want to be friends, they don’t mean it. Why the fuck bother with the thinly veiled nicety. Just be honest. Actually, that’s ironic, because one of the things I thought I admired about her was her honesty. It seems like I was wrong about that too.

She’s pretty, I’ll give her that, but when you have almost no interests in common, then it’s not enough.

It should also be added that when I was trying to decide whether I was going to break up with my last proper girlfriend, I made a list of pros and cons, so at least I’ve learnt that I haven’t really changed at all.

Frankly I felt like it was going way too slow. We’d only seen each other once a week. I would have liked to see her more often.

Anyway, this was my response. I wrote it within about 30 minutes of getting her email.

“It’s ok. For some reason I kind of figured that was the case. There was just something that stopped me from feeling entirely comfortable. Maybe that came across in how I’ve acted around you? I can’t be sure though.

I know this is probably going to be an awkward question, but what was it that finally made you come to that decision? I think I have a fair idea, but I’d kind of just like to hear your reasons. I suppose I’d like to know where I went wrong really. Anyway, if you don’t really feel like talking about it all, then I understand, but in the past I’ve regretted not asking the question and I thought it might be easier to answer in an email.

I wondered, perhaps, if my situation (and I don’t just mean my obvious failings, like a lack of permanent regular work and being stuck here at home), didn’t really lend itself to this sort of thing. I won’t go into details though; that would possibly be a bit silly at this point.

I’m glad you had a good weekend though. It would be nice to meet up again some time, but you can let me know if that’s still something you’d want to do once you return from Turkey.

Anyway, some work finally came through for me, so at least I’ve got something to get on with.

Are you feeling okay after your fall the other day? I’m sorry I forgot to ask about that before.

Finally, I just wanted to say that I’ve had a really great time with you over these past few weeks, so thank you for that.”

Asking why was a bad idea, I know. But why not ask a bit if an impertinent question. She tried to bypass any awkwardness by writing me an email to dump me, so why not make her squirm a little. That wasn’t my intention at the time I wrote it; I really just wanted to know why, but I refuse to feel bad about asking when I only felt like I could because of the impersonal nature of emails and that, after all, was her chosen communication method, not mine.

Anyway, that’s it for today. What I’ve written above may not be all that coherent, but I just can’t check it over again.

By the way, on a lighter note, I actually got given the writing work that I have to do. It’ll be a measly amount in my account, but it’s certainly better than nothing. I should really get to it now.