This may be my last post for a while. I'm not feeling good at all. I've come to the conclusion that I can't get a good job because I'm just not bright enough for the things I want to do. I can't write as well as I'd like, I'm not as intelligent as I feel I should be.
I tried to solve a maths problem I saw on the internet today, but even after I was presented with the solution, I didn't understand it.
For much of the day I've done absolutely nothing. I tried to apply for a job, but I just couldn't do it. No application I've ever done has ever led to any work, so why bother. Besides, I'm not sure I even want the job. I don't even know if I could do it anyway. At the moment I just can’t seem to do anything.
I get bored, very quickly, with repetitive, administrative tasks, but I don't know if I'm really capable of anything more. Of course, I can't even get that sort of job since employers can clock that I'll find them tedious. Actually, about 15 months ago I got turned down for a job working at a company in Ealing for exactly that reason.
I don't think I'll ever manage to realise my potential, but then my potential falls just a little short of anything worthwhile anyway, so there's probably little point anyway.
So, I fall between the cracks in the employment market. I don't fit in anywhere.
I don't really fit in anywhere in the wider sense too. My values and beliefs seem at odds with the world at large. I'd explain that at greater length, but I just can't muster up the energy. Basically I don't understand why most people are so unkind, so unpleasant. I don't understand why the world is so oriented towards greed. Why do people become so obsessed with acquiring wealth? Why do they wish to have dominion over others and subjugate them to their will? I can't stand authority. I can't stand it when people try to tell me what I must do or how I should behave. I have my own set of rules, my own set of guidelines and morals. If I stray from those I usually punish myself enough by feeling shitty about it.
I’ll be back. Maybe not before too long. Maybe it’ll even be tomorrow. Who knows how I’ll feel.
It's Me!
- DoubleDown
- London, United Kingdom
- I'm a misanthropic malcontent with plenty of time on my hands. Sometimes I write, sometimes I don't. If you haven't seen me for a while, keep checking. I'll probably re-appear at some point.
4 comments:
That's your problem you don't know how you feel and it seems to me you don't know how to think.
Remember " You can't win with a losing mind"
Drive-by, hi there!
I feel ya about the whole feeling down thing, I've been there. But I can tell you that it does end, things do get better eventually. For whatever it's worth...greetings from Salt Lake City.
It seems to me that "Anonymous" has either chosen to disregard most of what you've been saying in previous entries or otherwise just doesn't quite understand why it is you're feeling this way.
Know that others, who know you better than some prospective employer, can see how much you have to offer, even if there are times when you can't quite see it yourself.
I'd urge you not to stop blogging. I think it's good for you and, clearly, there are other people out there who you are reaching and connecting with.
And remember, there are people here who are happy to listen anytime you want to talk.
Anonymous sounds like an idiot who lives off self help books. Quoting dumb clichés is no help in these circumstances.
I agree with Rosh that the blogging is probably helpful to you. To be frank it's very helpful to me - I enjoy your writing and from a purely selfish point of view it's good to have found someone else who feels the same way I do!
Anyway, good luck in what you decide. By the way, did you ever get a response from the 'email dumper'?
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